Back before every one of my hopes and dreams burned to the fucking ground like a 1980 Richard Pryor, I used to daydream about things. Like… maybe owning a little neighborhood bar somewhere. Even though I have no experience, and even less knowledge, I believed I could do well with something like that. I felt like I had my fingers on the pulse of the sizable functioning alcoholic community, and would be able to give the people what they want.
That is:
Good, simple pub food in largeish quantity, at a reasonable price. No nonsense like wild game sausage, or stuffed pork chops with mint jelly. I mean, seriously. Somebody else can educate and expand the horizons of the drinking public. And wave goodbye to their life savings in the process.
No bullshit props like pool tables, poker machines, or dartboards. And if any staff member even MENTIONS karaoke or trivia night, they’re out. Drinking, eating, and telling inappropriate stories should be the focus. A jukebox might be OK, but every song would have to pass through the Jeff Kay filter. This ain’t no cologne and tight-shirt dance club, goddammit.
No glass & chrome furniture and fixtures, or flashing lights in the floor. Just normal chairs, tables, and couches. Maybe some table lamps. Also, no punch-in-the-face disinfectant smell. Too many bars smell like hospital wards. And that’s freaky, man.
What would be the guidelines of your imaginary bar? Please bring us up to date on it in the comments. Do they coincide with mine, at all? I’m interested to know.
Also, have you considered possible names for your never-gonna-happen establishment? I’ve always thought Smoking Fish Tavern had a nice ring to it, and would probably go with that. But I could come up with a million others, like, say The Scowling Lesbian. That’s a good one, right off the top of my head. See how easy it is?
You know what irritates me? When a bar has a really boring name, like P.J.’s Pub, or whatever. It almost makes me angry. I also don’t like when they have alternative spellings, like Trax or Morganz Saloon. It’s stupid. There’s a place a few blocks from here called Nyx. WTF?? It might be a great bar, but the name makes my jaws flex.
What the owners decide to call a bar is important, in my opinion. College Hill Sundries was a place I loved in Greensboro, not only because of the great name, but that didn’t hurt. Some other memorable bar names I’ve personally experienced during my tipsy travels: Fuzzy Ducks, The Euclid Avenue Yacht Club, The Blind Tiger, Hooray Harry’s, Now Voyager, The Vortex (tagline: “It’s never too late to start wasting your life”), The Empty Glass, Highland Tap, Billy Goat Tavern, The White Dot, The Lamb and the Flag. There are others, many others. All great names… Not as good as T.J.’s Place, granted. But not bad.
So, tell me about your daydream bar. Use the comments section, and break it down for us. Also, what are your favorite real-world bar names? You know, places that actually exist outside of our imagination?
And I need to go now. Another week of stimulating work awaits!
Have a great day, my friends.
I’ll see you again soon.
Now playing in the bunker
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